My Mom will be here tomorrow for the week and then we are all (me, J, N & C, mom, dad, sister & BIL) going on vacation. My parents' birthdays are that week (they are 4 days apart) and they turn the big 6-0; to celebrate they wanted some quality family time. I'm actually looking forward to the trip. After we went to Newport, RI for J's brother's wedding (my family was also invited & we stayed at the same inn) when N & C were 6 months old, I became a fan of vacationing with a set of grandparents. Very helpful to have the extra hands, especially when I might have possibly consumed a teeny tiny bit too much red wine and had a wee bit of a headache one morning. But anyhoo, since my Mom will be here, I likely won't be blogging. The computer is in the living room and there's no privacy. So fret not, if I'm silent again, it won't necessarily mean I've dropped off the edge of blogosphere again.
I have some anxieties about the upcoming family time (me, have anxieties??). My Mom rented an apartment nearby for the first 6 months after N & C were born. Her help kept me from losing my shit in a really big way. I truly believe if not for her, I would've been struggling with postpartum depression. But there are some drawbacks to having anyone bear witness to the intimate daily details of how you manage your relationship, household and life. As I mentioned in a previous post, the early months were not easy for J and I. My mother was there for it all. My mother was also there to witness my own transformation into a mother. More specifically, a twin mother. Which brings me to my anxieties. There have been moments where I have felt self-conscious of the amount of attention I give to N & C individually. Did someone notice I leaned over and give N and kiss but I didn't do the same with C? Did I snuggle with C more today than N? Who got more hugs today? In my head, I worry that the person watching me interact with my babies, is keeping score. I don't know why I feel this way but I do. And I feel it most acutely around my mother. With these anxieties, I'm realizing how much I've enjoyed not being under the microscope with my mothering. Bleh - mothers are tricky, no?