Changes

We are back from our vacation.  While we had some fun times, I ended up coming home more worn down than ever.  Even with the extra hands of grandparents and an aunt and uncle, it's a lot of work taking kids on vacation.  At the beginning of the week, the kiddos were sleeping like champs - no middle of the night fussiness and sleeping in until 7am!  I thought we were golden.  Then it all went to shit.  The last night was the worst - I was up with N from 11:45pm until 2:30am.  C slept through most of his crying until 2:00am at which point she'd had enough and voiced her displeasure.  J was somehow able to sleep through it all despite the fact that the baby monitor was on his side of the bed AT HIS HEAD!!!  But I digress.  It was great to be home and get back into our familiar rhythm. 

The day before leaving for our vacation, I got some great news.  I was offered a job and I accepted.  I will now be joining the ranks of working parents.  Yes, I know being at home with the kiddos full-time is work (oh trust me on that one) but I mean working as in earning a paycheck.  Next Monday morning, the kiddos are in for a shock.  They're going to daycare.  We found a wonderful in-home daycare provider.  She is delightfully normal, unlike the others we met.  And best of all, the kiddos are going to be the only ones she's caring for right now.  Both of the other children in her care have started school.  The maximum she takes on is 3 so she may have another child (toddler aged) in her care in the future.  I'm relieved she can focus on C & N entirely during this transition.  I was a little teary when I spoke to our provider today on the phone as we went over the details of what we need for next week.  But for the most part I feel good about my return to work.

Because my job will entail long and varying hours, J is asking for a transfer at work to the day shift.  So he'll be in charge of daycare pickups, dinner and, on some nights, the dreaded bedtime.  All by his lonesome.  I won't lie and pretend there's not a part of me that thinks "Ha - now he'll realize how easy he's had it, not having to put them to bed most nights of the week - maybe now he'll understand why I'm so damn tired and cranky all the time".  I'm really hoping this change will be a good thing for our marriage.  I have not embraced being at home full-time with the kiddos.  It's not a role I ever envisioned for myself and I've just never been uncomfortable with it.  I've been tired, bitchy, and resentful  - and I've taken all of those feelings out on J.  I have no doubt that keeping things running smoothly will be more work than ever, but I think feeling like an equal partner will go a long way toward marital harmony.

I've hesitated posting too much about the issues I've had being at home full-time as it's such a sensitive topic.  It's hard to describe feelings and opinions without offending others who are very happy with the opportunity to be home full-time.  In the coming weeks, as I hopefully find the time to blog about the household changes afoot, I will try very hard to write in a way that is respectful of the choices others make but please know that what I write is just my own perspective.  Everyone is different and that's a good thing.

On that note, I will close with a few fun vacation pictures.

Comments

[Nico]

Welcome back! sounds like a fun, but challenging time.

And *congratulations* on the new job! I was wondering if you'd put that shiny bar certificate (do you get such a thing) to any use :-) Will you be doing the lawyer thing, or is it something else?

I don't think you need to apologize at all about not being shiny happy at home. It is totally the thing for some people, and totally not for others. And that's just fine. I think you should blog candidly about it - people should realize that you're talking about YOU and YOUR situation, and not making judgements on anyone else who has made different choices, or who has a different personality from you.

[Nico]

P.S. Love the pics! I can't believe how big N and C are now. And you look great :-)

[Kath]

Dear Lori, congratulations on the new job! How exciting! As for feeling strange about blogging about at-home motherhood, I can understand that so well. I suppose this is such a sensitive issue all around that any comment on personal preference is bound to get someone on the defensive. But please remember that your faithful readers are all rooting for you and wanting you to be happy.

Thanks for the pictures! All of you look great.

[Stacie]

First - just look at you wearing both twins. You are impressive.

Second - I understand your feelings about being at home. It isn't a good fit for everyone. It's only recently that we have fetishized motherhood to the point that we held it up as an ideal to love doing nothing but childcare. In the past women had to work. Had to, or starve. It was only in the 1950s that this cult of domesticity really took hold.

Finally -- good luck with the new job!

[Jenn]

Every time I see N I can't get over how much he looks just like you.

And do write about the home vs. work thing. I always wanted to stay home and can't see doing it any other way, but after doing it, I totally get why some people don't want to.

[soralis]

Love the pics! Good luck going back to work. Some of us are just better mom's when we work and some are better to stay home, we all need to do what's best for us individually! Hope you like your new job.

[Lynnette]

Good luck with the new job! I had to chuckle about the vacation...we did it in June, and I think we both vowed there won't be another vacation for quite a while. The twins look so big! And you look great!