Adventures in Baby Making

Creeped out

In yesterday's mail, there was a catalog for these dolls.  Please tell me I'm not the only one totally creeped out by them??

Sorry for those of you who saw an earlier version of this post - I meant to save as draft and not publish.  This was shaping up to be a post about how I am just not that motivated to do costumes for the kids because Halloween just isn't my thing, and how I really suck at Halloween.  But then I realized that I did an "I suck at Halloween" post years ago.  See, that's how much I suck at Halloween.  WIll someone please tell me to get off my ass and get some costumes for my kids?

I suck

Yup - my good intentions to resume regular blogging went to the dogs.  But we're still trucking along.  We're moderately settled into our new home - I won't lie - there are still boxes tucked discretely into a few corners and the "finished" basement is not looking quite so finished.  We've gone beyond a mere junk drawer (there was always that one drawer in our kitchen growing up) to a junk room.  And I thought I had cleared out so much of our crap.

One big change since I last posted - I left my last job and have found a new position.   I opted for a position that involves significanly less stress, slightly more $ and better benefits but a loooooonger commute.  It seems to be working so far.  Though today I'm feeling blue because I just don't get as much time at home with the kiddos during their awake hours than I would like. 

I think the reason I'm feeling a little blue is that when I dropped N and C off at daycare, our provider asked if I'd seen this funny new thing N likes to do.  I told her I hadn't but that I'd ask J.  She then told me about a new "trick" of theirs (spitting) and we discussed where they might have picked this up.  I have never seen them spit in the manner she described so I told her I'd ask J about it.  Having to say that twice in one morning kind of sucked.

It's hard to feel like you're making the best choices because it just seems like none of the options are perfect.  There's always a tradeoff with combining work and family and all I can hope is that I'm making the best decisions for everyone involved.  I like working, I like my job.  Working also isn't exactly optional for me.  I don't feel guilty about working.  I just miss my kids and seeing all the fun things they get into in a day.

Still Alive

I know, I know.  I'm pretty much the crappiest blogger ever.  I get it.  Really I do.

The kiddos are fantastic.  More fun everyday.  More like toddlers everyday.  I'm a little scared of twin toddlers.

Good news to share - we are finally buying our first home!  Which means, we will finally have a dishwasher!!!  However, I'm afraid that the movers will show up next week only to say - "you do realize that you need to put you're stuff in boxes, right?"  No idea how I'm going to make this happen. 

I feel like I have much to say about life as a working parent of toddler twins but I am so unbelievably exhausted, I lack the mental and physical energy to express any of it.  One of my "favorite" moments came today.  I was in a deposition and while waiting for the next deponent, I was chatting it up with opposing counsel and the court reporter.  I mentioned the fact that I have 18 month old twins (!), and opposing counsel then said "but who's watching them?"  Seriously.  I wish I had had my wits about enough to say " a pack of wolves."  Idiot.

I hope to post more soon.  But truthfully, probably not before we move.  Afterall, I should probably put a few things in a box.  At least that's what I hear. 

Fall is in the Air

Stacie is a having a Halloween/fall photo contest and since we just went to a pumpkin festival yesterday, I thought I'd be bold and enter this picture. 

I've been quiet again but things, as usual, are just hectic.  There is little down time for blogging and by the time I have a moment to write a post, the issue no longer seems as pressing.  Though there is a post in the works about how C has the doctors stumped.  I'm home today with them as C has a fever though since she has a follow up with the Ear, Nose, Throat specialist, it was going to be a short day anyway.  More later, though, I promise.  For now, I'll leave with this picture.

Am I Crazy?

Sorry to have gone so long without a post - it's been super hectic now that I'm working.  Good.  Just hectic.  Which has meant little time for blogging despite having much to write about.  However, much as I'd like to write about daycare, working, how incredibly cute my kids are, etc., there's something else that's been on my mind.  I haven't talked to many people about in real life, just two others not including my husband.  And I can feel my heart starting to race just thinking about putting it out there for others to read.  Because maybe by posting this, I'll be putting things in motion and that's kind of scary.  But exciting.  So what's all the commotion about?  I think I'd like to be a gest.ational surr.ogate.

Crazy, huh?  But I just can't shake the feeling that while our family is complete, I'm just not done being pregnant.  I loved it.  I also feel like J and I got out of this IF journey pretty easily.  We were successful with our first IVF cycle and were trying to get pregnant for almost 2 1/2 years.  Compared to what others have been through - we were pretty damn lucky.  But I know that "but for the grace of G.od, there go I" (is that the saying?).  There was nothing about us that made us more worthy of success with the IVF jackpot.  And that's incredibly humbling.  And I really loved being pregnant.  Of course, I wonder if I'd be a good candidate not being the Queen of Fertility but I did make it to 35 weeks with my twins and despite a bit of spotting and modified bedrest, had a pretty easy pregnancy.

But for some reason, I can't help but wonder: so what would everyone think?  Which is odd since I don't really care what others think for the most part.  It's never been one of my hang ups.  So I'm surprised that that it is a thought I'm having.  Would people at work think I'm crazy?  Would my family think I've lost my marbles?  J is incredibly supportive and thinks I should go for it.  But he confessed that it's in part because he loved it when I was pregnant too - there were always sweets in the house.  I believe his exact words when I asked him how he felt were "oohh, ice cream would be in the freezer again!"

I've done some internet research on the process of becoming a surr.ogate and have looked at various agencies.  But I've held back contacting them.  I know, I just started my new job.  But I figure it's a fairly long process so it's not like I'd get matched and pregnant next week.

Since I've been so consumed by what others would think, of course I had to blog about it.  So am I crazy?

Stopping Time

A few housekeeping details before moving on to the issue at hand:

• Please note the new feature to the left.  Thanks to Stacie's horrifying post on college tuition, I have decided my Quarters for College approach should be augmented just a wee bit.  Feel free to click away.
• On my To-Do list is an update of my blogroll.  I haven't updated it in ages.  I would like to include more parenting blogs, particularly those of parents of multiples.  Please leave any recommendations in the comments section.  I have only happened upon a few and could use help finding more.

I'm enjoying my last few days as an at-home parent.  They've been busy but there's much to be done to get myself ready for the return to work and get the kiddos ready for daycare.  I dropped off supplies and paperwork today with our daycare provider - I will admit that I cried as I left and I didn't even leave the kiddos behind.  I'm so screwed on Monday.  It just won't do to show up at my new job all snewy and puffy-eyed.  I'm nervous I won't be able to switch gears all that well.

The past few days have been filled with more kisses, hugs and cuddles than usual - which is saying a lot as I'm a snuggler by nature.  I've even been able to snag some quality snuggle time with C who is usually too busy to be bothered to sit still.  As ready as I am to return to work, there is the unavoidable fact that I will miss my children.  I won't miss the baggage of being an at-home parent but I will miss the joy of simply being with them.  I think this will be hard for J as well.  His shift change has just been approved.  He will now work from 7am-3pm instead of 3pm-11pm.  The later shift allowed us to have some nice family time together every day, before he's exhausted from a long day.  I feel bad for him because so much of the focus is on how hard it will be for me and it's not recognized by many others (friends and family) that this will be a hard change for him as well.  He'll be picking them up from daycare by 4pm so there's still much of the evening ahead but it will just feel like a different kind of time he'll have with them.  I know we will develop a new rhythm as a family but it's the transition that's the kicker.

Because I'm on the cusp of returning to work, much of my crankiness has disappeared just with the promise of mental stimulation and regular adult interaction.  I'm even starting to think - huh, being at-home isn't that bad afterall, what the heck have I been bitching about?  It's making these last few days even more precious.

I've got loads more on my mind but it's starting to get jumbled so I'll keep it simple.  I could've boiled this post down to one sentence: I'm going to miss my kiddos when I go back to work next week.

Changes

We are back from our vacation.  While we had some fun times, I ended up coming home more worn down than ever.  Even with the extra hands of grandparents and an aunt and uncle, it's a lot of work taking kids on vacation.  At the beginning of the week, the kiddos were sleeping like champs - no middle of the night fussiness and sleeping in until 7am!  I thought we were golden.  Then it all went to shit.  The last night was the worst - I was up with N from 11:45pm until 2:30am.  C slept through most of his crying until 2:00am at which point she'd had enough and voiced her displeasure.  J was somehow able to sleep through it all despite the fact that the baby monitor was on his side of the bed AT HIS HEAD!!!  But I digress.  It was great to be home and get back into our familiar rhythm. 

The day before leaving for our vacation, I got some great news.  I was offered a job and I accepted.  I will now be joining the ranks of working parents.  Yes, I know being at home with the kiddos full-time is work (oh trust me on that one) but I mean working as in earning a paycheck.  Next Monday morning, the kiddos are in for a shock.  They're going to daycare.  We found a wonderful in-home daycare provider.  She is delightfully normal, unlike the others we met.  And best of all, the kiddos are going to be the only ones she's caring for right now.  Both of the other children in her care have started school.  The maximum she takes on is 3 so she may have another child (toddler aged) in her care in the future.  I'm relieved she can focus on C & N entirely during this transition.  I was a little teary when I spoke to our provider today on the phone as we went over the details of what we need for next week.  But for the most part I feel good about my return to work.

Because my job will entail long and varying hours, J is asking for a transfer at work to the day shift.  So he'll be in charge of daycare pickups, dinner and, on some nights, the dreaded bedtime.  All by his lonesome.  I won't lie and pretend there's not a part of me that thinks "Ha - now he'll realize how easy he's had it, not having to put them to bed most nights of the week - maybe now he'll understand why I'm so damn tired and cranky all the time".  I'm really hoping this change will be a good thing for our marriage.  I have not embraced being at home full-time with the kiddos.  It's not a role I ever envisioned for myself and I've just never been uncomfortable with it.  I've been tired, bitchy, and resentful  - and I've taken all of those feelings out on J.  I have no doubt that keeping things running smoothly will be more work than ever, but I think feeling like an equal partner will go a long way toward marital harmony.

I've hesitated posting too much about the issues I've had being at home full-time as it's such a sensitive topic.  It's hard to describe feelings and opinions without offending others who are very happy with the opportunity to be home full-time.  In the coming weeks, as I hopefully find the time to blog about the household changes afoot, I will try very hard to write in a way that is respectful of the choices others make but please know that what I write is just my own perspective.  Everyone is different and that's a good thing.

On that note, I will close with a few fun vacation pictures.

Under Watchful Eyes

My Mom will be here tomorrow for the week and then we are all (me, J, N & C, mom, dad, sister & BIL) going on vacation.  My parents' birthdays are that week (they are 4 days apart) and they turn the big 6-0; to celebrate they wanted some quality family time.  I'm actually looking forward to the trip.  After we went to Newport, RI for J's brother's wedding (my family was also invited & we stayed at the same inn) when N & C were 6 months old, I became a fan of vacationing with a set of grandparents.  Very helpful to have the extra hands, especially when I might have possibly consumed a teeny tiny bit too much red wine and had a wee bit of a headache one morning.  But anyhoo, since my Mom will be here, I likely won't be blogging.  The computer is in the living room and there's no privacy.  So fret not, if I'm silent again, it won't necessarily mean I've dropped off the edge of blogosphere again.

I have some anxieties about the upcoming family time (me, have anxieties??).  My Mom rented an apartment nearby for the first 6 months after N & C were born.  Her help kept me from losing my shit in a really big way.  I truly believe if not for her, I would've been struggling with postpartum depression.  But there are some drawbacks to having anyone bear witness to the intimate daily details of how you manage your relationship, household and life.  As I mentioned in a previous post, the early months were not easy for J and I.  My mother was there for it all.  My mother was also there to witness my own transformation into a mother.  More specifically, a twin mother.  Which brings me to my anxieties.  There have been moments where I have felt self-conscious of the amount of attention I give to N & C individually.  Did someone notice I leaned over and give N and kiss but I didn't do the same with C?  Did I snuggle with C more today than N?  Who got more hugs today?  In my head, I worry that the person watching me interact with my babies, is keeping score.  I don't know why I feel this way but I do.  And I feel it most acutely around my mother.   With these anxieties, I'm realizing how much I've enjoyed not being under the microscope with my mothering.  Bleh - mothers are tricky, no?

Why Go Around When You Can Go Over?

Because they are so damn cute, I'm posting a few of the latest pictures of C & N.  They are crawling like mad these days and it's more fun than I could've imagined.  They love to play chase - usually C leading the game.  C pulled herself up to standing tonight for the first time.  I bathe them one at a time and because our bathroom is the smallest bathroom on the planet, the baby not being bathed, plays in their crib.  When I went in to the nursery after bathing N, there was C, standing up - you could tell she knew she'd done something pretty spanky.  She was grinning and giggling - when N saw her, he started giggling, making his happy noises and his arms and legs were flailing with glee.  It was as if he was cheering her on and that he, too, knew she'd just accomplished something big.  Moments like that make my heart soar.  Cheesy I know, but it's the truth.  Being a twin mom is without a doubt the most awesome experience.
So in honor if my twin mom happiness, for a limited time, here's a few action shots of the kiddos. Sorry, I've taken them down - maybe I'll post a few more soon.

I haven't yet decided how I feel about regularly posting pictures of the kiddos.  I know many of you do and I love seeing them but I know others feel strongly about not posting them.  So I'd love to hear your thoughts on the posting pictures of kids issue whether you post or do not post pictures.

Oh, and let's hope 3rd times a charm on the day care interviews/visits.  We've seen 2 so far and will see a 3rd tomorrow - a more detailed post on the search is coming soon.

Counterjinx

I think I may have figured out the counterjinx to being asked The Question. 

Me: "Honey, if you handle all the night wakings, I'll get up with them in the morning and let you sleep"
J: "Sure"

I forgot about this very powerful tool.  Every time I've made this deal with J*, they never wake in the night.  Never.  I'm feeling very well rested today.  This is good because we're checking out our first daycare provider later today.  I'm a little nervous.

*I don't get to make this deal very often because J works a late shift and isn't home until midnight or later if there's overtime.