Adventures in Baby Making

Introducing...

Catherine Rose and Nathaniel Robert

Okay, if you are quicker on the uptake than J and I you may have already realized what we did - Cate and Nate.  We have not suddenly gone all cutesy - it took J and I about a day after we settled on their names to realize the nickname issue.  We went back and forth for weeks.  For a while she had a different name but it just didn't feel right.  So we re-visited her name choice and tried out some others.  But in the end it felt like we were naming our daughter a second best name - and who wants to do that?  We didn't re-visit his name because there were no others that we could even partially agree upon.  So Catherine and Nathaniel it is.  We do call him Nate but we call her by her full name.  We'll see how long that holds.

We are all home from the NICU and have been for a full week now.  Thankfully, she did not have an infection and they didn't end up doing a lumbar puncture on her.  That was the worst consent form I've ever had to sign.  Looks like she has a bit of reflux which is very common in premature babies because of immature sphincter muscles.  They are both gaining a bit of weight and Nate is already over his birth weight.  Both babies are on apnea monitors which is a bit stressful and awkward to manage.  It will be so nice to be able to pick one of them up and just walk into another room without unplugging them.

Nothing could have prepared me for how difficult the NICU experience was and our babies had very minor prematurity issues.  Nate was brought to the NICU just a few hours after his birth and every time I visited him while I was still in the hospital, I sobbed the whole way back to my room.  I tried not to cry while in the NICU and I knew I was doing well if I made it to the NICU doors before sobbing.  On not so good visits, the tears started when I got there.  I think it was my last day in the hospital by the time I could make it through seeing him without crying.  It was the most awful thing seeing my little boy all hooked up to monitors and an IV line, knowing that it was someone else comforting him in the middle of the night if he fussed.  During the first few days, the horrible weight of feeling that my body once again failed was overwhelming.  Only this time, it didn't fail me.  It failed my son.  I tried so hard to make it to that magic 36-week point only to have fallen just short.   The most dreadful part was that the night before I went into labor, I was in tears unable to take being pregnant for one more day.  I wanted them to come, even if it was too early because the pain of carrying them had become too much for me to deal with.  Naturally, I can't help but feel that they heard me and who wants to stay where they aren't welcome?? Leaving the hospital with just one baby was heartbreaking and we had to do it twice, once when we were discharged with Catherine and Nate was left behind and then when Catherine had been brought in but we left with Nate (actually we did it 3 times but the last one was a happy occasion). 

Then there's the guilt of having pushed for a vaginal delivery (no pun intended!) which ended up causing Nate a bit of stress during delivery.  His heart rate had dropped dramatically after I delivered Catherine and I was about 2 minutes from having a c-section.  The nurse had even shaved the spot where the incision would be made.  I heard the doctor say "I know she can push him out" and his belief I could do it made the difference.  Nate's cord was wrapped around his neck and all I say was a glimpse of his very blue face as they whisked him over to the neonatologists.

While we were in the NICU, it was the first time I was less than forthcoming about having conceived via IVF.  I felt like we'd brought this upon ourselves, taking unnecessary risks having transferred more than one embryo.  As if we had no one to blame but ourselves for putting our babies at risk.  I already  blamed myself for so much, I didn't need to imagine it coming from others.

As time puts more distance between us and the NICU, the intensity of these feelings has diminished but I'm not sure they will ever disappear.  My good friend who was pregnant at the same time as I was delivered a week later.  I'm still jealous of her "fertile" experience.  She has none of the worries that come with slightly premature babies and none of the guilt.  The grass is always greener, huh?

They're Here

I would love to be able to announce in a clever, emotionally charged way that the twins were born on November 10th but I'm too exhausted.  My water broke while I was out painting pottery (little piggy banks for the kids) with my Mom on Thursday around 4pm.  Our girl was born at 12:45am (4lbs. 15oz.) and our boy was born at 1:04am (4lbs. 12oz.).  I was able to deliver vaginally and while things got a bit stressful with our boy, it was an amazing experience.
J and I just adore them.  But unfortunately, we must adore them from afar.  Our boy ended up in the NICU a few hours after he was born but our girl was looking good and we were discharged with her on Sunday night.  She was admitted to the NICU at 5am on Tuesday after a very long night in the ER the result of some episodes where she turned blue.  The doctors think she has some kind of infection rather than this being the result of some prematurity issues.  But they can't figure out what kind of infection.  We're still waiting on test results and she may need a lumbar puncture - which breaks my heart as I've had 2 and they are just awful.  Our boy is actually doing very well and may be coming home in the next day or two.
There's so much I could say about the labor/delivery experience and now the NICU experience but as I'm sure you can imagine - I'm exhausted and spending most of my time at the hospital.  I hope I'll be able to write more later but it may be quiet over here for awhile.

Plans

Looks like I could avoid it no longer - it's time J and I made some plans regarding these babies.  I've managed to get through most of this pregnancy with my head in the sand, always able to blame some external reason for not doing something.  For the first half of the pregnancy, I was too busy studying for the bar exam, then there was bed rest and now I'm just so big and tired, I have little energy to do much other than eat and nap.  As a result I have not been to a birth class or newborn care class, I did not have a baby shower and have made just a few brief trips to the giant baby store.  The baby fair was the biggest baby-related outing I've been on at all.

Given my lack of preparation for the birth of these babies, my Mom encouraged me to enroll in the doula program at my hospital.  I think she's a little worried that I didn't go to any classes and has been distressed by my "you breathe, you push and it all works out" attitude.  This attitude masks the fact that I don't have much faith in my body to do what it needs to do so I figure I'm headed for a c-section.  Why bother with all those classes if I'm just going to be wheeled into the OR??  As much as I would prefer to have a vaginal delivery (and my peri thinks it's a very good possibility) and previously (pre-IF) had visions of an earthy crunchy midwife assisted delivery in a birth center, I no longer feel I have any right to have a preference.  I am lucky to be having these babies - how can I push the envelope by actually having a preference as to how they come out??

However, it seems the doula program expects me to have preferences and wants to know what they are.  I have to fill out a labor coping plan by answering several questions.  Hhmm...J and I tried looking at it the other night and we each approached it the same way.  Some of the questions asked and our initial response:
    About me/About us (Important issues, fears or concerns):  Ha!  Do they really want the answer to that??  For starters they only gave us about an inch of blank paper to address our fears or concerns.  Not to be an overachiever, but I could cover waaay more paper than that. 
    When labor begins, I plan to:
        Stay at home until:   the doctor's tell me to go to the hospital - do I have a choice with this?? 
        Go to the hospital:  see above
    Preferences about Medical Intervention: Umm, again, do I have a choice with this one??  If someone tells me something needs to be done, I'm pretty sure, I'm going to agree.
    And my favorite part of the labor coping plan are the next 3 questions:
    If my ideal birth isn't possible:  You  mean to tell me that some people get to have their "ideal birth" experience?  I bet they got pregnant the fun (and free) way.  I'm working off the assumption that my ideal birth (whatever that is) isn't going to happen - so why bother spending that much time sorting it all out?
    If I need to have a cesarean birth:  Then it's off to the OR we go.  I'm not sure why they gave me as much blank space to answer that question as the one about my fears and concerns.  Sheesh...
    If there are unexpected problems with my baby: Then for the love of g'd - Do what needs to be done you fools!!!  Don't waste time dithering around with what my preferences are!!

Since I do need to complete this form (and don't want to scare off the doulas), I have a call in to the doula program for some assistance (which they invite us to do).  We'll see how that call goes, but I'm going to try to keep my sarcastic, infertile comments to myself.

In other plans, J and I did miraculously manage to make a few decisions and in case you were wondering, here's the short version: I will give breastfeeding a try, we will not be circumcising our little boy (much to my mother's dismay and horror) and we finally decided on names after a great deal of back and forth (the reasons for which will be revealed after they arrive).

I have the feeling my alone time is coming to an end as I just realized my Mom's been out running errands for awhile.  I've been trying to stay caught up with what's going on with all of you when snippets of privacy present themselves - sometimes all I can manage is a quick read on bloglines so just because I'm not commenting doesn't mean I'm not "there".

   
   
   

 

I Passed!

Remember that little bar exam thing I took back in July - well as you may have guessed from the post's title, I PASSED!!!  The results were posted online this afternoon (we were given the date and time ahead of time so we knew when to expect them) and I happened to still be at my appointment with the peri.  When it was the time we were told, I had J call my good friend who took the bar with me because I couldn't take not knowing(it was just the 2 of us in the room).  She told him that I passed while I lay on the table hooked up to the monitors for my nonstress test.  When J told me I passed, I started crying (yes, I'm just another blubbering crying pregnant woman these days).    The peri and nurse came back in the room and were startled (and perhaps worried) to see me in tears - they were both so excited when I told them they were happy tears.  What a huge relief!

In other news, today marks 34 weeks and the babies both looked great at today's appointment.  Another huge relief.  My Mom is staying at a hotel this weekend while my Dad is also in town so I may just have a little privacy to post yet again.  My emotions are all over the place as we get closer to meeting our babies.

Covert Blogging

And so I begin yet another post with apologies for my long absence, but my Mom is staying with us and with the computer in the living room, I've been finding it hard to have any privacy to blog (and I would like to keep my blog a non-family affair). 

Things are continuing to go well.  I'll be 34 weeks on Friday and my peri is very pleased with how I'm doing.  I can't believe our goal date is just a little over 2 weeks away.  I'm still a bit awestruck thinking that means J and I might become parents at some point in the next 2 weeks.

My Mom took me to a baby fair at my hospital on Sunday.  Unfortunately, J had to work because he's a bit smoother when it comes to pushing the wheelchair (a 3 hour event is a bit too long for me to be on my feet, I'm afraid).  There was a breastfeeding lecture as well as a newborn care lecture.  There were a few times I was so choked up thinking I might be doing the things described during the lecture with my own children that it was just too much.  It was a surprisingly emotional day for me.  A good kind of emotional as I try to come to terms with how fortunate J and I are to be preparing for these babies. 

The baby fair turned out to be beneficial in more ways than just learning new stuff.  They were raffling off door prizes and I won the best one they were giving away - a super spanky breast pump.  For the umpteenth time that day, I found myself on the verge of tears.  What a huge help not having to buy or rent a pump!  Now if my breasts could just get with the program, I might be able to breastfeed.  I say that because I don't think my breasts even know I'm pregnant.  They haven't so much as grown a half of a cup size which does not give me a whole lot of confidence that they will be able to feed to babies.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it - it just would've been nice to have some bodacious breasts.

Since my few hours of alone time is going to come to an end soon, I should wrap this up so I don't get caught in the act.