Adventures in Baby Making

Still Recovering

Much to my continued surprise, I seem to still be recovering from the NICU experience.  A part of me feels like I should be over it by now as the twins were just there as feeders and growers with no major issues.  They were not fighting for their survival.  This part of me makes the other part of me feel like a drama queen for still feeling sadness and stress about the time they spent in the NICU.

My uber fertile best friend's oldest son had minor surgery recently.  As she was talking to me about her angst at leaving her boy in the hands of others, she told me she just couldn't imagine what I went through leaving the twins every night in the care of the NICU nurses and doctors.  That's when I realized that it doesn't matter how healthy my babies were in comparison to others in the NICU - that's not the part that I'm still struggling to process.  No matter why your babies are there, you still have to walk out the door and leave them in the care of others.  A truly difficult thing to do when you've just brought them into this world.

My family has been giving me a hard time about the fact that I respond quickly when the babies cry and that I don't let them cry it out.  Aside from the fact that the babies are way to young for crying it out and it's not really my style, I still get so upset thinking about all the times they must've cried and I wasn't there to comfort them or they weren't comforted at all if their nurse was caring for another baby at the time.  It's hard for me to believe that they have no memory of their time in the NICU and that it has not affected them on an emotional level.  I guess my quick response to their crying is my effort to somehow make it up to them.

I'm having a hard time falling to sleep after Catherine's 3AM feeding.  The other night I just kept reliving the NICU days.  There's so much I would've done differently if only I'd hadn't been recovering from childbirth and had the energy.  I still feel like I should've been there around the clock as if my constant presence would've translated into an earlier discharge date.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post except to say that the NICU experience is still a painful on for me and I don't know what to do about it.

Going Out

Before I get in to the nitty gritty of my post (not that it's all that gritty mind you), I have a bit of an admission and explanation.  One of the many little things that keeps me from posting, is my inability to think of clever post titles.  I know, wicked lame huh?  In an effort to post more, I've given myself permission to ditch titles and just write.  It's not like my titles have ever been particularly creative or clever so I'm not sure what my deal is - I end up giving it way too much thought.  So there it is, I just had to get that off my chest.

I've started going out more regularly with the kiddos.  This has been a big deal for me.  When they were in the NICU, we were advised against taking them out until April when RSV season has passed.  Not relishing the thought of being cooped up, I raised the issue with our new pediatrician (you know, the one NOT affiliated with Satan's HMO).  The pediatrician said it was fine to take them out, just make sure people washed their hands before touching the kiddos and to perhaps the busiest places that were overly crowded.

I'd read about the stupid things people say when you're out with twins on message boards and on other blogs but I thought they were exaggerating.  Surely people aren't really that clueless that they'll ask if your boy/girl twins are identical??  Well they are.  Others who have gone before me have not exaggerated the extent of the cluelessness out there.  One of my neighbors who has an advanced degree in some intimidating sounding biology field even asked if they were identical.  Her mother, a doctor, was standing right there and gave her a hard time.  I had to chuckle.  She did kind of deserve it.  Of course, I usually have to tell people that they are boy/girl twins even though they are covered head to toe in blue and pink.  I can't find girl clothes in blue and vice versa.  Is everyone color blind?  Is there a color blindness epidemic in my area??  One woman asked whether they were identical and I said "well one's a boy and one's a girl" thinking that was all I needed to say.  She then asked if I could tell them apart or if they needed to be naked for me to know which was which.  Oy!  People also seem compelled to either exclaim "oh look twins!" when we walk by, as if we're a circus side show.  I mean, really, twins are a bit more common these days thanks to people like me.  We should not be drawing this much attention.  My other favorite is when people ask "oh are they twins?"  Part of me wants to respond that no, they're not and they are actually 2 years apart.  Nate and Catherine are about a pound apart in size.  The fact that they are twins should be fairly obvious.  There is no way they are at least 9 months apart in age.  C'mon people, use just a little bit of common sense.  Just a little, it's all I ask.

The other morning J and I took the kiddos out to breakfast.  It was a weekday (J does not work a traditional 9-5 day) so the diner was not too crowded.  We sat next to an elderly woman who was sitting alone.  Her face lit up as she saw us get settled into our seats.  We struck up a lovely conversation and she had such nice things to say about twins, mentioning what a blessing it must be and other such positive things.  She then made a passing remark that she'd never had children and my heart just went out to her.  Obviously I didn't press, so I don't know if it was an issue that she hadn't married (a bigger obstacle to having children in her youth) or if she experienced infertility which is now what I always assume given my own experience.  Anyway, some people are so kind that I enjoy the opportunity to  chat with a stranger.

Oh, and the going out part would be so much easier if J and I actually fit comfortably in the car now that there are 2 car seats in the back.  I thought my little vol.vo wagon could handle it but I'm starting to wonder if we're headed to mini.van ownership.  My dream car is a mini.cooper not a mini.van. 

Since You Asked...

In her comment to my last post, Jenny asked to see some pictures of the kiddos.  And I'm only too happy to oblige since I do think they are awfully damn cute. 
My sister was here for a few days helping out while my Mom was away.  We did a little photo shoot try to get good shots for their birth announcement.  So here are the pictures we'll probably use.  The kiddos are 2.5 months in these shots. I might not leave them up for long so enjoy them while you can.